I believe in love. I believe it lives in our every day lives, every day actions. Our beliefs, actions, feelings, hopes all evolve with love. W can choose to use it in our lives, or accept it and appreciate its impact on our decisions and choices.

I choose to love. I fell in love with a woman over a year ago whom I had known for most of my life. We were not in touch for decades but somehow knew what was happening with each other. We suddenly were in a position to appreciate each other on a close friend level, though mistakenly we became an intimate couple far too soon. Things became scary and she chose to go a different direction. I had no choice to accept her decision, though I didn’t handle it well.

I spent the next two months trying to fix things as most guys think is their only alternative. Instead I pushed her further away with every effort. I one day came to terms with the fact that when she told me she needed her space, she meant it and I was only prolonging the obvious. She didn’t want me in her life or around for that matter. She walked a tight rope with me and suddenly it snapped.

I have since that time struggled. I have struggled to understand and accept this loss of someone I imagined to be in my life for the near and far future. Our lives were at a place we both felt we could live together, appreciating what lay ahead. Somewhere that dream was shattered and I could not pick up the pieces. I’m still trying and it makes me realize how unrealistic I can be. But I have to wonder if that is all there is.

I’m going to invite her to get together for a chat, a visit, a cup of coffee, maybe a walk. I’m in love and I don’t think that will ever change. So I am living that life of believing that what we had was true, and not that I can change it. I just want her to know. I want to look in eyes and recognize the attraction we have with one another is far deeper than simply that physicality. The eyes are a path to the soul and I don’t see any other way to describe my feelings to her. I want to take care of her and I have never felt such a profound desire in my life. Not in thirty years of marriage.

I know we are at the apex of our lives and we have less time remaining that the years we have been alive. I wish to be there for her and I want her to wish to be with me. I haven’t any control over that. The only thing I can do is express to her what I believe and wish and then let her go.

I do love.

© aquietwalk 4/2022

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