Posted on by aquietwalk

Taking A Risk

I believe in love. I believe it lives in our every day lives, every day actions. Our beliefs, actions, feelings, hopes all evolve with love. W can choose to use it in our lives, or accept it and appreciate its impact on our decisions and choices.

I choose to love. I fell in love with a woman over a year ago whom I had known for most of my life. We were not in touch for decades but somehow knew what was happening with each other. We suddenly were in a position to appreciate each other on a close friend level, though mistakenly we became an intimate couple far too soon. Things became scary and she chose to go a different direction. I had no choice to accept her decision, though I didn’t handle it well.

I spent the next two months trying to fix things as most guys think is their only alternative. Instead I pushed her further away with every effort. I one day came to terms with the fact that when she told me she needed her space, she meant it and I was only prolonging the obvious. She didn’t want me in her life or around for that matter. She walked a tight rope with me and suddenly it snapped.

I have since that time struggled. I have struggled to understand and accept this loss of someone I imagined to be in my life for the near and far future. Our lives were at a place we both felt we could live together, appreciating what lay ahead. Somewhere that dream was shattered and I could not pick up the pieces. I’m still trying and it makes me realize how unrealistic I can be. But I have to wonder if that is all there is.

I’m going to invite her to get together for a chat, a visit, a cup of coffee, maybe a walk. I’m in love and I don’t think that will ever change. So I am living that life of believing that what we had was true, and not that I can change it. I just want her to know. I want to look in eyes and recognize the attraction we have with one another is far deeper than simply that physicality. The eyes are a path to the soul and I don’t see any other way to describe my feelings to her. I want to take care of her and I have never felt such a profound desire in my life. Not in thirty years of marriage.

I know we are at the apex of our lives and we have less time remaining that the years we have been alive. I wish to be there for her and I want her to wish to be with me. I haven’t any control over that. The only thing I can do is express to her what I believe and wish and then let her go.

I do love.

© aquietwalk 4/2022

Posted on by aquietwalk

Watching Sunsets

I sat on my deck the other evening and watched the sunset below the apex of buildings and distant trees outside my village. I live in a residential neighborhood of apartments secluded but on top of one another. I haven’t the advantage of the sun setting below a line of trees on the horizon, yet I can still watch the sky turn to a lovely crimson on a summer night. It is here when my most intimate thoughts come to mind.

I fell in love with a woman over a year ago whom I had known for decades. We crossed paths again at what seemed an ideal time in both of our lives. I had just left a marriage that had been unraveling for years and she had been single for some time, content in her independence but wondering about the possibility of a relationship, more likely as I write this today searching for companionship. If I could know today what I know now we might still be spending time together, but instead, I overwhelmed her and she decided to leave abruptly. I fell apart and still continue to try to pick up the pieces of my life left behind in the ashes. I was going through a lot around the time that things went south with the two of us and no matter what I tried it was a losing battle.

Today, I sit on a ledge looking at the natural evolution of our lives in the simple meaning of a sun descending along the horizon. I often wish I might share this moment with my friend even if it means in our separate worlds miles away from one another. I hold out a hope that is meaningless without knowing her state of mind. I only wish and put the puzzle pieces together on my own, and I’m sure they don’t really match up that well.

There is something about love that I’ve never really understood. We talk often about that unconditional aspect of affection. I have that with my children and select friends, but what about a companion. Why would we develop time together if there wasn’t a spiritual basis to our affections? I once knew unconditional love in my relationship with my ex-wife and I suppose there still is some of that hanging around, but truly it is different in that our relationship has completely changed. With my most recent relationship, I am clear of the attachment being real and not a passing moment. Unfortunately I cannot convince her of the same. So my days are spent watching sunsets and dreaming of moments.

The energy from the sun is truly magical, and if we appreciate it in the special manner it presents itself we might rest more easily knowing we can never truly be alone.

© aquietwalk

Posted on by aquietwalk

Sweet Is Her Elegance

If only tonight were enough

if a realization would give peace.

This outcome treats me rough,

a quiet departure, her silent release.

~

If only I could know today,

how I let elegance drift away

If only I could know today.

~

I was walking with her the other day

just the other day, now suddenly

this quiet void, she has gone away.

No love so able with her so openly.

~

Sweet is her elegance show me the way

If only now we might, Oh sweet elegance.

© aquietwalk

Posted on by aquietwalk

This Darkness Unveiled

A couple of years ago I lost my marriage. After 30 years, everything collapsed and I was left to pick up the pieces of my life. I have struggled without question, spending a few days in the hospital for my mental health, leaving the anguish of a family unit being too much for me to handle. There were many days I didn’t want to go forward, and I did risk making a selfish choice about life and purpose for going forward.

Only recently did I recognize more fully a need to survive. I’m not a victim in any sense of the word, but I did rest all my laurels upon my pain rather than realizing only my actions would help me to understand and make change in my own life. I have two wonderful children that have kept me going. I have a close knit connection with my siblings, and a set of strong friendships, and my former wife that help me understand making a selfish choice would be atrocious. Hard to imagine comparing my choices with the word atrocity, but that is exactly what I would call taking my own life. I had to fight, and now when I think of my potential actions, I want to cry.

I had a hard time fighting the feelings my children were taking away from the dissolution of our marriage. I was not in any way blaming them for discarding me, but it took me a long time to realize their own need to personally wrap their heads around the loss of their parents bond. I began to understand patience and it has been a Godsend in my adjustment to being single in a society that frowns upon giving up a marriage.

My daughter told me once, “I need you around dad.”

My son suggested around the same time, “There is a lot ahead, dad.”

At first I knew what they meant but didn’t feel quite as adamant. I was willing to sacrifice everything for my own selfish outlook on life. I know suicide and its impact upon the people left behind. I have lost good friends and family, and never understood the emotion I felt beyond the anger I believed their actions left me with. So knowing that, how do we live with such hypocrisy wanting to take our own lives? My only explanation is we are human and sometimes the hurt just buries our rational soul.

I got lucky and began to think about how important it is for me to be around for my kids. I realized how my friends would be so pissed off at me for leaving them too early. Now my life lives around the idea of letting God take my lead and I will follow. I am not an entirely religious person but I do believe in God. I suppose that suggests I have a spiritual outlook on life. We live in a society that does not condone suicide, but there is so much information out there that does not support the crisis in people’s lives.

I suppose writing this helps me cope with some of those every day fears in my life.

© aquietwalk 4/2022

Posted on by aquietwalk

When Words Cannot Speak

When words would rather escape me

I cannot breathe, I just wish to be free.

Paint a vibrant canvas with pleasure

that moment when a heart is a picture.

~

If I could stay in that quiet respite

would then fear were my outfit.

To swell itself around my state of mind,

to always catch me, where love unwind.

~

I held her in my arms one winter day

I knew in that breath this was a way

to give back, to feel her soft gasp

listening I could within my grasp.

~

I wanted only to hold her pain,

the words alone wouldn’t explain.

© aquietwalk 4/2022

Posted on by aquietwalk

When She Did

He responded the same,

when she did,

he couldn’t find a name

when she did.

Sometimes we are scared

wonder a loud

wonder a loud

Can’t really figure they dared.

take away such a gentle soul

take away such a gentle soul

That confidence will matter

when she does

There’s no chance matters.

when she does.

take away such a gentle soul.

aquietwalk