A couple of years ago I lost my marriage. After 30 years, everything collapsed and I was left to pick up the pieces of my life. I have struggled without question, spending a few days in the hospital for my mental health, leaving the anguish of a family unit being too much for me to handle. There were many days I didn’t want to go forward, and I did risk making a selfish choice about life and purpose for going forward.

Only recently did I recognize more fully a need to survive. I’m not a victim in any sense of the word, but I did rest all my laurels upon my pain rather than realizing only my actions would help me to understand and make change in my own life. I have two wonderful children that have kept me going. I have a close knit connection with my siblings, and a set of strong friendships, and my former wife that help me understand making a selfish choice would be atrocious. Hard to imagine comparing my choices with the word atrocity, but that is exactly what I would call taking my own life. I had to fight, and now when I think of my potential actions, I want to cry.

I had a hard time fighting the feelings my children were taking away from the dissolution of our marriage. I was not in any way blaming them for discarding me, but it took me a long time to realize their own need to personally wrap their heads around the loss of their parents bond. I began to understand patience and it has been a Godsend in my adjustment to being single in a society that frowns upon giving up a marriage.

My daughter told me once, “I need you around dad.”

My son suggested around the same time, “There is a lot ahead, dad.”

At first I knew what they meant but didn’t feel quite as adamant. I was willing to sacrifice everything for my own selfish outlook on life. I know suicide and its impact upon the people left behind. I have lost good friends and family, and never understood the emotion I felt beyond the anger I believed their actions left me with. So knowing that, how do we live with such hypocrisy wanting to take our own lives? My only explanation is we are human and sometimes the hurt just buries our rational soul.

I got lucky and began to think about how important it is for me to be around for my kids. I realized how my friends would be so pissed off at me for leaving them too early. Now my life lives around the idea of letting God take my lead and I will follow. I am not an entirely religious person but I do believe in God. I suppose that suggests I have a spiritual outlook on life. We live in a society that does not condone suicide, but there is so much information out there that does not support the crisis in people’s lives.

I suppose writing this helps me cope with some of those every day fears in my life.

© aquietwalk 4/2022

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