Posted on by aquietwalk

When, Yesterday

If I could go back to the way it was,

I might wish to remain with today,

so many skeletons,

all the confusion,

and yet in the moment I would

throw it all away.

I wonder about nostalgia,

what it means in our lives

good memories and sad occasions,

we are all caught in a cycle

of testing the waters,

finding a way to avoid

the human drama

of getting by, of confidence,

of understanding the reasons why.

If I could go back to yesterday,

it might be only to figure out a way,

to not lose you,

to speak the truth,

not paint pretty pictures,

only live the moment,

only find you in my arms,

where life truly matters,

the two of us,

in a travel of serendipity

Posted on by aquietwalk

Taking a Journey

I took a journey today,

chalk full of just memory

reliving a day,

I’d never found a way.

I walked alone,

and cried alone,

I strolled with arrogance

and wept alone.

I never really knew why,

yet I wanted to die.

I am afraid of life alone

well, not as much today,

but going back to that day,

I can’t shake the tremors anymore.

I’m getting old,

I have to say,

so every new moment

seems only steps away,

from saying goodbye to forever.

I wonder what’s ahead

thinking about this day,

I’ve contemplated

forever the reasons

why it had to go down this way.

Whenever I seem satisfied

I begin to question why

I haven’t quite forgotten

still so easily can I cry.

I have a different outlook now

doesn’t mean I forgot this day.

Posted on by aquietwalk

Precision

I’m sitting here now,

in the quiet untold

how readily

a sense of anxiety I choose.

Who am I why am I

is it always only true.

Who do I hurt,

why do I hurt,

there’s a constancy

with a mania

outside of the norm.

Always questions remain,

my self confidence

Is it true or a ruse.

I can never be responsible

for knowing,

though I would every corner

concede.

I only wish a peace,

not a lot to ask

given the years of

persecution.

Is that it now,

am I defining myself?

Or perhaps it is a

penchant for precision,

always getting in the way.

In the notes

I’m meant to travel,

so I always try to

hang on,

remember those moments that help secure

a sense of well being,

a confidence

as that seems all of our desire.

Posted on by aquietwalk

Missing A Beat

What is felt

in the moment of loss

when all of fortune

becomes a confusion,

in a how do we respond

to losing schedule.

Suddenly thrust

into the dramatic nature

of coping,

the fear sets in gradually,

the indecision,

the loss of pattern.

The self took a vacation

while the psyche

stepped back and said

wait, a second, I’m not sure

this can be handled just yet.

Options had taken the day off.

So this is who I am

greatest fears,

indecision

indecisive

in distinct fashion

I crashed and burned.

Posted on by aquietwalk

Beauty is Memory

To imagine,

she might be nearby

if only words can tell me,

I would make them up in my mind

to have you closer to me,

feel your warm affection,

that compassionate soul

I once held in my arms.

I feel these emotions,

saddle me,

I cannot move sometimes,

and then I realize

I’m living, I’m alive,

and she would want that for me.

She is beauty in a special day,

when the stars align at night,

the radiant blue of a sunny day,

she’s all these things,

wrapped into her soul,

a certain elegance

in how she carries her own pain,

once shared with me,

once comforted,

oh did I hold your love with my heart.

Posted on by aquietwalk

Favorite Movies

I watched a movie tonight, a family favorite and I cried. A Christmas movie we would all watch together and laugh, I’d avoided it for over three years. I’ve been divorced since that time, and I had forgotten how many parallels to my marriage there were in the movie. The depiction of children and extended family particularly struck me, and I regretted losing the childhood of my two kids.

It’s been three years now, and the end of my marriage still haunts me. I was no longer in love. I was going through the motions. I was experience what has been referred to as fantasy that had far more impact upon my heart than did my marriage. But it was the kids I hurt more than the two of us splitting up. I didn’t know what to say, and I felt like I had lost so much time. My kids were young adults now and handling the divorce in their own way, and there was nothing I could do to stop that. I was forever trying to fix what I had helped destroy.

My life was truly spinning. I had no grounding in my world. I felt everything unravel and believed I could no longer repair my life, that I was a pariah, a failure, a miserable example of a human being. I hung onto all the contempt in the world for myself, and showed impatience with anyone who tried to tell me it takes time. I just went down a hole to nowhere and walked around in complete fear.

Today, I don’t fear as much. I still feel I have failed and I try hard to learn from it and correct my mistakes. But, I’m still an emotional person. I watched a movie tonight that touched my heart and left me feeling a bit lonely on Christmas eve. I’m alone tonight, have been all day. I will see my children tomorrow evening. I guess Christmas evening will be our tradition going forward.

I hope someday we can laugh again … about the movie.

Posted on by aquietwalk

Wandering Inside

It’s when thoughts take me,

somewhere,

anywhere that matters

in the moment.

I can’t really predict how

the concrete bench might feel,

until I sit down, the stone pressed against

my vulnerable body.

I only think about the next thing,

while my body postures

for the sightseers

going about a winter day,

I wonder if they wonder

am I cold,

or brazen.

I think about what is in my head,

and forget about those around me,

except those following me,

watching my moves,

imagining who I am inside,

without ever really knowing,

the thoughts in my head,

that help define who they are in the moment.

I let them take me,

down slippery roads

where I cannot find a grip

until I put myself to bed,

wait for the next day.

Posted on by aquietwalk

Was Once A Smile

She would on those autumn days

smile with eyes that could shine,

enough to shadow her tears,

oh those pretty autumn days.

I used to weep occasionally,

knowing how beautiful,

how spectacular

moments would be in her arms.

Time did accumulate,

our hopes and desires,

became a waning passion,

a loss of serendipity.

I wait now in curiosity

will ever we somehow

dream again her smile.

Posted on by aquietwalk

Come and Go

These moments in our lives

when we pine over loss

anniversary days

a significance

others may not understand.

We want to hold on

to why they feel

so important,

we center our lives around them.

~

These moments in our lives

dig deeper in our psyche.

We feel like we connect

enough to say hello.

Our fears might be alone,

a silent solace.

The hours tick away

we struggle to find our way.

~

I made it through another one

seems the days do come and go.

Posted on by aquietwalk

A Solemn Day

I would reach out to you

if I could

if the stars aligned

and it happened by chance.

I wouldn’t have to work so hard

to find your love

to know your beauty

is you,

no longer what I dream.

To know that you have yourself,

a contentment

that I once held close to my heart.

A solemn day

for memory,

that what if the human condition

throws upon our soul,

when we cannot find the strength

to let go,

but hang on with hope

and eventual delusion.

Yet, love is, just that.