I watched a movie tonight, a family favorite and I cried. A Christmas movie we would all watch together and laugh, I’d avoided it for over three years. I’ve been divorced since that time, and I had forgotten how many parallels to my marriage there were in the movie. The depiction of children and extended family particularly struck me, and I regretted losing the childhood of my two kids.

It’s been three years now, and the end of my marriage still haunts me. I was no longer in love. I was going through the motions. I was experience what has been referred to as fantasy that had far more impact upon my heart than did my marriage. But it was the kids I hurt more than the two of us splitting up. I didn’t know what to say, and I felt like I had lost so much time. My kids were young adults now and handling the divorce in their own way, and there was nothing I could do to stop that. I was forever trying to fix what I had helped destroy.

My life was truly spinning. I had no grounding in my world. I felt everything unravel and believed I could no longer repair my life, that I was a pariah, a failure, a miserable example of a human being. I hung onto all the contempt in the world for myself, and showed impatience with anyone who tried to tell me it takes time. I just went down a hole to nowhere and walked around in complete fear.

Today, I don’t fear as much. I still feel I have failed and I try hard to learn from it and correct my mistakes. But, I’m still an emotional person. I watched a movie tonight that touched my heart and left me feeling a bit lonely on Christmas eve. I’m alone tonight, have been all day. I will see my children tomorrow evening. I guess Christmas evening will be our tradition going forward.

I hope someday we can laugh again … about the movie.

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