Posted on by aquietwalk

Being Lost and Back Again

I’m not back yet.

I lost my marriage a couple of years ago and then an intense relationship a year later. It has taken some time to get my feet back on the ground. My writing I think has been impacted or maybe I just didn’t feel like writing anymore. I do think it is the former because I do like when words come to mind and I can get them down on paper. Since July of last year I have filled legal tablets with writing that may never see my computer but are filled with poetry and momentary thoughts. I suppose getting back to the pen prevented my writing in this venue. Today I’m hoping to put words together that make sentences that interest the reader, or help them as you to relate to what it is I’m saying.

I haven’t been alone for over 30 years. During the past 2 years I have been actively suicidal, a feeling that has thankfully dissipated over the last several months and I hope does not return. Getting used to living alone has been a real challenge. The greatest difficult was during the pandemic which officially began a week after my marriage fell apart. I screamed a lot during that time because there was, thankfully, no one around to hear me. Even though the truth is I probably wanted someone to hear me but I certainly didn’t know who that might be.

My days are spent doing several things. I’m learning how to play the guitar, that takes a couple hours out of each of my days. I enjoy it and am looking forward to knowing it better. It takes a lot of work but I hope it will pay dividends when I become ready to write songs with my chords. I’m a bit away from that at this point. The other thing I do is read. I’ve returned to reading after years of putting it off and have come across some pretty good books and ideas. Hopefully that helps with my writing as everyone in the industry claims to be the case.

I’m going to cut this short as I’m still figuring out what direction to go with my writing. Perhaps it is short essays and commentaries that I have had mild success with. Perhaps there is a short story. I have another blog in which I write memories from my career. Maybe that will become a direction in my future. In the meantime, I appreciate your taking the time to read this material. We all plod on.

Posted on by aquietwalk

I Wrote A Story Today

It began with a thought, as he looked at the frame of his bedroom door, robe hanging, guitar in forefront. I have a good life he thought and went about to think about it more, wanting to expand upon what he discovered today.

That was, eyes glanced up and surveyed the countertop, a cathartic moment that if he could just hang onto would take him so many miles. Much like the ‘sheet of paper’ in front of him, on the MacBook, he hoped he might move forward with confidence and memory.

He just remembered sitting out on the patio, the only available chair, a high top, he talked to everyone around him, didn’t miss a soul, and wondered some more. He knew he wanted to be out there, but alas, another afternoon.

He doesn’t have to share this with anyone. All morning he has been listening to music and writing. He is rather daunted with the places he has traveled without ever leaving home. He stops to think, and understands why he hasn’t watched any tv lately, and then feels good about it.

I’m not living two lives; I am only coming to terms with the one that I am. In good terms, mind you, because all of this is fascinating, he thought to himself. Why couldn’t I keep writing and let the character come alive. Because he has.

I covered eight pages of a legal pad without really knowing I did. I would cover one page after another and find myself three quarters down the page, laughing at myself with happiness

My day has evolved into one of writing, everything going through my mind in the moment. It suddenly becomes a story and I begin to play it out in my mind. I wonder about a compliment I sent out and how it may have been received. It was meant to be uplifting. This is how deep into my psyche I dive. I am so in the immediacy of my moment; I don’t know if I have ever experienced this in a clear manner. Brushing the hair around his mouth he wonders if he is walking into another character and how to give it more life.

His heart rate settling, he decided to take a break.

…

Posted on by aquietwalk

While Dying One Day

Felt like forever

to know this moment

is to fear finding

home again,

that place we might

lay our head at night.

Yet there is a certain fear

might overcome

any moment of solace

if we let it come.

Trying to find a way home

I want only my peace.

aquietwalk 1/2022