Posted on by aquietwalk

Wanting Only This

I want to write poetry about you,

how much I adore you,

how every moment of my life,

contains room for you,

desire, passion, only hope

each day begins with a picture of you,

and I go from there,

I let my imagination go where I want it to go,

thoughts of you,

the beauty of a smile,

how simple that can be,

just in the moment,

the way your stocking hat covers your bangs,

how your eyes sparkle in the moment,

always a soul inside,

seeking your heart.

Oh if you knew how much I do

think about you on any given day,

I think this is love,

when I can feel my heart ache,

when every moment of my day,

holds some piece of your mystique,

waiting and being more patient

with each of my days.

Posted on by aquietwalk

Side Of The Road

Trying to imagine

where I am

standing by the side of the road.

Thinking about memories

thinking about a time

when I really didn’t know

where I would be

in another decade

or in time.

I think about her,

and I remember,

standing here with her,

holding hands,

feeling the icy frost

of the winter’s night,

looking at the stars,

imagining nothing else

could ever come in between,

we were together.

Standing on the side of the road,

imagining what life

might be again

if we could circle back

and remember

what it was

held us here together

time in those moments

when time really didn’t change

We just were in the moment.

That was a happy time.

Posted on by aquietwalk

A Mother’s Visit

The chair remained alone in my room,

I could imagine all that I wanted

that night sitting in my usual

space where all my thoughts cascade.

She arrived that evening,

with dad standing behind,

that way they did

always together,

knowing each other

living with love

despite themselves.

I asked her a question

I needed only answer

in my own way

alone imagining

everything I always wanted to say

sitting in the chair nearby

her presence immediate

drew a smile across my face,

the tears though real,

always knowing

so much conversation

left behind.

Now today, reflective

want to say,

‘Hi Mom”

“Hi Dad”

love you both

to forever.

Enjoy the space

feels good to me,

hope you might feel some zen.

Posted on by aquietwalk

Trespassing Death

I stole death

A few times

One night

Stepping into the highway

Making cars swerve

A couple more steps

Crossing the white lines

Cars screaming by.

I stole death one time

Standing on the rail

Of a bridge nearby

Hands holding a lamppost

Nearby

Wondering if landing on ice

Or pouring through the water

Would silence the mood.

I stole death one night,

I was all alone.

Posted on by aquietwalk

How To Connect

I’ve struggled with writing lately. It seems my ideas all fall down the paint of a wall, just clinging without any recourse to jump off and search meaning. I can sometimes feel inspired, but I cannot seem to piece together my words the way I would prefer. It seems I have lost a knack for letting my stream of consciousness dive right in. I’m searching for words.

I reflect back on some of my early writing. I could write in phrases with Shakespearean pentameter like it would roll off my tongue. Of late, I seem to confuse my poetry with prose, and it just feels like it is dragging down the paper. I don’t know what to do with my writing.

There are some moments when I can fall into a groove but its impact is brief. I want to take a story and run. I want to write a poem that seems calculated but free. It seems I have fallen off a path where I was that poet that people tell me I am. I want to let my words run and tell stories both in the framework of poetry and prose. It feels to me now I’m falling into some zone that has wonderful potential.

I’m telling a story, and it is helping me come to terms with who I am. I have lived a life of wonder in the hearts and minds of hundreds of students over a couple decades. I ought to have plenty to write about. I want to be that conversationalist that plays with words and winds tales from the memory of my mind. I have a few to tell.

Today, I’m directing theatre. I won’t go into it only to protect the players, but the truth is they bring me alive. I can feel their energy and I want them to feel successful in their efforts. They seem to smile, to indicate they are into it. Rehearsals have been playful and as I write this I wonder if students are sensing my commitment. I’m laid back but I get things done, on the stage. It feels good again to be designing a show and using such an organic process. As I’ve already realized, I have a lot more time to work on the show. And that project is what keeps me moving forward, finding purpose again in my life. It could turn into a real promise, if we can pull off this show, together.

I feel like I lost my way, even though that’s how I have felt nearly my entire life. Because of the loss of a marriage, and a relationship within the course of 15 months, I have pursued so many different endeavors trying to find my way. It’s only now as I write this that I feel a sense of confidence in my words. How did I get here, by simply wanting to have a conversation with the reader? See that’s the thing I have done as a director, helped kids along the way, find themselves and feel validation. So, I’m trying to find my own by examining my last couple of years.

I used primal scream, exercise, meditation, all later culminating in endless marathons of television (how unfortunate), and in that time my writing took a sabbatical. Tonight, I feel like this is the first time I have written anything significant in weeks, and as I do, I am really speculative to what I am putting on the page. Seems rather foolish, really.

So when I speak of wanting to connect, it is finding my groove, my mojo, if you will excuse the overstated expressions. I’m listening to beautiful music right now and that I think is the reason I’m feeling a certain freeing energy in my writing. I think I’ll just let this ferment for a while.

aquietwalk

Posted on by aquietwalk

Emotion

I get so scared sometimes

feel the world caving in

all this energy I cannot contain

wants only to remind.

There’s a crescendo

just ahead,

has all the makings

of a quiet climb.

For isn’t our nature

to wish precision

to know our future

without revision.

I can feel the world

crumbling around me,

I haven’t a solution

All of this speculation.

I want to go home,

wish only to be alone.

Posted on by aquietwalk

Being Lost and Back Again

I’m not back yet.

I lost my marriage a couple of years ago and then an intense relationship a year later. It has taken some time to get my feet back on the ground. My writing I think has been impacted or maybe I just didn’t feel like writing anymore. I do think it is the former because I do like when words come to mind and I can get them down on paper. Since July of last year I have filled legal tablets with writing that may never see my computer but are filled with poetry and momentary thoughts. I suppose getting back to the pen prevented my writing in this venue. Today I’m hoping to put words together that make sentences that interest the reader, or help them as you to relate to what it is I’m saying.

I haven’t been alone for over 30 years. During the past 2 years I have been actively suicidal, a feeling that has thankfully dissipated over the last several months and I hope does not return. Getting used to living alone has been a real challenge. The greatest difficult was during the pandemic which officially began a week after my marriage fell apart. I screamed a lot during that time because there was, thankfully, no one around to hear me. Even though the truth is I probably wanted someone to hear me but I certainly didn’t know who that might be.

My days are spent doing several things. I’m learning how to play the guitar, that takes a couple hours out of each of my days. I enjoy it and am looking forward to knowing it better. It takes a lot of work but I hope it will pay dividends when I become ready to write songs with my chords. I’m a bit away from that at this point. The other thing I do is read. I’ve returned to reading after years of putting it off and have come across some pretty good books and ideas. Hopefully that helps with my writing as everyone in the industry claims to be the case.

I’m going to cut this short as I’m still figuring out what direction to go with my writing. Perhaps it is short essays and commentaries that I have had mild success with. Perhaps there is a short story. I have another blog in which I write memories from my career. Maybe that will become a direction in my future. In the meantime, I appreciate your taking the time to read this material. We all plod on.