Posted on by aquietwalk

Watching Sunsets

I sat on my deck the other evening and watched the sunset below the apex of buildings and distant trees outside my village. I live in a residential neighborhood of apartments secluded but on top of one another. I haven’t the advantage of the sun setting below a line of trees on the horizon, yet I can still watch the sky turn to a lovely crimson on a summer night. It is here when my most intimate thoughts come to mind.

I fell in love with a woman over a year ago whom I had known for decades. We crossed paths again at what seemed an ideal time in both of our lives. I had just left a marriage that had been unraveling for years and she had been single for some time, content in her independence but wondering about the possibility of a relationship, more likely as I write this today searching for companionship. If I could know today what I know now we might still be spending time together, but instead, I overwhelmed her and she decided to leave abruptly. I fell apart and still continue to try to pick up the pieces of my life left behind in the ashes. I was going through a lot around the time that things went south with the two of us and no matter what I tried it was a losing battle.

Today, I sit on a ledge looking at the natural evolution of our lives in the simple meaning of a sun descending along the horizon. I often wish I might share this moment with my friend even if it means in our separate worlds miles away from one another. I hold out a hope that is meaningless without knowing her state of mind. I only wish and put the puzzle pieces together on my own, and I’m sure they don’t really match up that well.

There is something about love that I’ve never really understood. We talk often about that unconditional aspect of affection. I have that with my children and select friends, but what about a companion. Why would we develop time together if there wasn’t a spiritual basis to our affections? I once knew unconditional love in my relationship with my ex-wife and I suppose there still is some of that hanging around, but truly it is different in that our relationship has completely changed. With my most recent relationship, I am clear of the attachment being real and not a passing moment. Unfortunately I cannot convince her of the same. So my days are spent watching sunsets and dreaming of moments.

The energy from the sun is truly magical, and if we appreciate it in the special manner it presents itself we might rest more easily knowing we can never truly be alone.

© aquietwalk

Posted on by aquietwalk

Am I Tacky?

I am laying in bed imagining myself in a Hollywood script – lifetime movies. I look around the room, the layout, electric light and battery cable attached to the wooden headboard. Am I tacky? He thought to himself. How do my friends feel, am I well?

This is the every day mind of a youthful ambition. To know the right words as we will wish we could. Or, is it only me? The mystery begun.

He carried himself with grace pushing through the room and then he forgot where he was though knowing he was safe in bed he sighed, always we might feel safer. It was like he was living out his diary in every move. And suddenly I’m letting myself lose my mind, astonished the result.

I am a case study that is being allowed a pleasant life if leads accordingly. I am well liked and I support kids, 100%. But, I feel this anxiety over-dramatized. I am experiencing an existential crisis and I seem like everyone believes I’m fooled and I can’t be. I have to be steadfast and assured. And then I carry on. We all carry on and I love life simply trying to pay back my debt to society. I sometimes confuse that debt with life.

How much do I want my perceptions to be absurdly dramatic, like a scene? A moment in time lived in a minute.

All played out on a set. The entire routine. Standing near the counter hands on granite, hunched over, staring at feet, the luster of wood dimly lit, underneath. Next move. What movie set am I living my life on?

These are words to say, good morning. I’ll write another day.

©️ aquietwalk 4/2022

Posted on by aquietwalk

Thursday Nights

Thursday nights I miss her tears

I miss the way she held my fears

Thursday night I miss her tears

I miss the way she held my fears

I wanna hold you in my arms tonight

I want to kiss you far into the night

Thursday night I miss her tears

Let me kiss you far beyond your fears

It’s the way we could’ve been

Just the way we could’ve been

Thursday night I miss her tears

Thursday nights please hold my fears

just the way we could’ve been

just the way we could’ve been

it’s the way we could’ve been.

Posted on by aquietwalk

Sweet Is Her Elegance

If only tonight were enough

if a realization would give peace.

This outcome treats me rough,

a quiet departure, her silent release.

~

If only I could know today,

how I let elegance drift away

If only I could know today.

~

I was walking with her the other day

just the other day, now suddenly

this quiet void, she has gone away.

No love so able with her so openly.

~

Sweet is her elegance show me the way

If only now we might, Oh sweet elegance.

© aquietwalk

Posted on by aquietwalk

Getting Old

I started this path

When I was twenty two

When just like you

I wanted my own path

I could tell you my future

Act so damn mature

I wanted only to arm wrestle

Every known to man hustle

I started this path

When I was twenty

I was just like a you

We all hadn’t a clue.

I started this path

When we were both twenty two

©️ aquietwalk 4/2022

Posted on by aquietwalk

This Darkness Unveiled

A couple of years ago I lost my marriage. After 30 years, everything collapsed and I was left to pick up the pieces of my life. I have struggled without question, spending a few days in the hospital for my mental health, leaving the anguish of a family unit being too much for me to handle. There were many days I didn’t want to go forward, and I did risk making a selfish choice about life and purpose for going forward.

Only recently did I recognize more fully a need to survive. I’m not a victim in any sense of the word, but I did rest all my laurels upon my pain rather than realizing only my actions would help me to understand and make change in my own life. I have two wonderful children that have kept me going. I have a close knit connection with my siblings, and a set of strong friendships, and my former wife that help me understand making a selfish choice would be atrocious. Hard to imagine comparing my choices with the word atrocity, but that is exactly what I would call taking my own life. I had to fight, and now when I think of my potential actions, I want to cry.

I had a hard time fighting the feelings my children were taking away from the dissolution of our marriage. I was not in any way blaming them for discarding me, but it took me a long time to realize their own need to personally wrap their heads around the loss of their parents bond. I began to understand patience and it has been a Godsend in my adjustment to being single in a society that frowns upon giving up a marriage.

My daughter told me once, “I need you around dad.”

My son suggested around the same time, “There is a lot ahead, dad.”

At first I knew what they meant but didn’t feel quite as adamant. I was willing to sacrifice everything for my own selfish outlook on life. I know suicide and its impact upon the people left behind. I have lost good friends and family, and never understood the emotion I felt beyond the anger I believed their actions left me with. So knowing that, how do we live with such hypocrisy wanting to take our own lives? My only explanation is we are human and sometimes the hurt just buries our rational soul.

I got lucky and began to think about how important it is for me to be around for my kids. I realized how my friends would be so pissed off at me for leaving them too early. Now my life lives around the idea of letting God take my lead and I will follow. I am not an entirely religious person but I do believe in God. I suppose that suggests I have a spiritual outlook on life. We live in a society that does not condone suicide, but there is so much information out there that does not support the crisis in people’s lives.

I suppose writing this helps me cope with some of those every day fears in my life.

© aquietwalk 4/2022

Posted on by aquietwalk

Howling Winds

I was told

oh so bold

her words would move me

I had somewhere to be,

yet alone

this unknown

semblance of finality

the winds so symbolically,

played outside my windows

shaking the pains in its throes

my bird feeder ready to sail if the nail gives

tossed back and forth only time forgives.

I listened in awe

each whistle like a saw

cutting through the afternoon air

without hesitation, a constant tear.

I listened to the winds, the changing winds

I listened to the winds, her changing winds.

© aquietwalk 4/2022

Posted on by aquietwalk

When Words Cannot Speak

When words would rather escape me

I cannot breathe, I just wish to be free.

Paint a vibrant canvas with pleasure

that moment when a heart is a picture.

~

If I could stay in that quiet respite

would then fear were my outfit.

To swell itself around my state of mind,

to always catch me, where love unwind.

~

I held her in my arms one winter day

I knew in that breath this was a way

to give back, to feel her soft gasp

listening I could within my grasp.

~

I wanted only to hold her pain,

the words alone wouldn’t explain.

© aquietwalk 4/2022

Posted on by aquietwalk

When I’m Scared

I reach incorrectly

step aside

and watch the film develop

inside my head

in my dreams where I yearn

to be always

figure out the scene.

Such is the mystique

of forever winding the rope.

© aquietwalk 4/2022

Posted on by aquietwalk

When I Believe

I cannot disagree

with advice

people try to tell me all the time,

it makes me sometimes

crawl to a stop,

slowly fade into the grout.

~

I want to be free,

to not run around scared

watch wheels in motion

that haven’t ever found a way

to make themselves known

when lost on my own.

~

When I close one book

the next seems nearby

so easy it is

for me to fall into other worlds

simply to deny

no, rely

upon some distant arm of guidance

comes down to speak to my psyche

tell me everything is going to be

all right.

~

And then it starts all over again,

another scenario to embrace.

© aquietwalk 3/2022