This Pressured Mind

Seems a quiet resistance

comes alive when alone,

wondering about the now,

forgetting about the past,

or wanting to,

wishing we could.

The future is unknown

tomorrow we’ll wake again,

decide upon the morning,

a breakfast or simply juice.

Begin the day with coffee

reflecting on last night,

maybe last week,

wondering in the moment,

what’s next

a cup of coffee

new thoughts

trailing through my mind.

I wonder about her,


just when we were kids,

filled with fantasy

and not even a remote awareness

all the years ahead of us.

What would it be like

if one day we wake,

and all those moments are gone,

and they’re just right now,

sitting in my chair

having a coffee

wondering about the day ahead,

wondering if she might ever know.

Still In Love

I’m still in love

with her,

not you,

though everyone imagine.

I hold her in my dreams,

a soulmate sort of thing,

I remember once,

she held me in her arms,

said this is it,

I wish that we might be

all we need.

I’m still in love,

not with you,

only her.

Internal Battle

I really want to say,

well there is no other way,

fuck all this pain,

this drive to learn a way.

Seems inside my mind,

I’m always second-guessing,

and when I ask a person nearby,

they seem to know not what to say,

instead I think they go about their own

sort of trying to find an angle,

what it is we would all like to say,

without landing ourselves alone,

every day.

How Long Will I Weep

I watch days go by,

summer warmth,

laying by the pool,

and then autumn winds,

we walk with light sweaters

feeling the crisp air,

a gradual turn

to winter’s quiet

resilient nature.

We have to find

the heavy garments,

creating soft cocoons,

carrying us through season,

finding ways to appreciate

the beauty of how

our bodies

adjust to the changing seasons.

I thought of you the other day,

how we might walk together

holding hands

feeling fresh snow

tease our nose,

laughing in each other’s eyes,

a warm reminder

envelops me now,

while listening to the Moody Blues,

I can almost feel your

heart touching my soul.

I Took A Drive With My Son

I recently spent a weekend with my son. We went to a ball game together, and enjoyed a cross country ride across the state of Wisconsin. Now this ride was so important to the both of us, but me especially given the circumstances of my relationship with him. I went through a divorce recently and the impact it had on my daughter and son is far beyond what I expected it would be. But why would I even think my kids wouldn’t be torn by such an action of their parents.

My children are young adults, my son 27 and my daughter 31. I luckily had breakfast with my daughter the morning we took off on the road trip, so seeing both was an especially fortunate experience for me. I love my children dearly, and during the early part of the last three years since my divorce I have felt like the estranged parent in the split. I have always felt my ex-wife shared more about our relationship with the kids than I would have liked. I always tried to remain close to the chest because a lot of our circumstances belonged to her and me. My daughter and I have had good laughs over the years, having that daughter and father relationship that is typical in a family. My son and I were a bit different as he is closer to mom, and naturally took her side in a lot of the circumstances of our divorce.

I remember early on my friends and close confidants telling me to be patient, my kids will come back to me. At first I couldn’t believe that would ever be true. I felt so removed I was afraid they would reject me as their father altogether. This weekend proved otherwise.

Recently, my son and I changed the brakes on my car. We always enjoyed tinkering on our cars together and it was indicative in our interactions that things were a lot better now than they were a couple of years ago. We laughed and shared ideas together and high five and fist bumped each other once we finished the project. I was so happy and he seemed to be so as well, so when we had a road trip ahead in a couple of weeks I was excited. He too expressed anticipation.

We talked about numerous subjects along the way, the most of which centered around our relationship and the roles mom and I played in growing up together as a family. It was clear throughout the ride there were differences but those were far outweighed by the appreciation of our times together by the time the road trip had reached its end. I was able to hear about his struggles and successes, his wonders and curiosities about his future. We talked about what was important to him. I just let him go and the range of emotions he expressed or we expressed together was truly cool.

Ironically along the way the radio crapped out and suddenly we had complete quiet for the ride. He could have put in his air pods and I would have been ok with that but instead we just had a 500 mile dialogue that took us right to his door at the end of the night.

I think the most important part of the weekend was realizing we liked to be together. I was so afraid of that after the divorce. I hurt my kids, and my wife and we hurt each other. We did talk enough about mom for him to have confidence in my appreciation and care for his mother. We are a seemingly amicable split couple and it is important to me that the kids know it. Many people including my son this weekend, have told me I have no control over that and it is true. I can only go forward and I have tried and will continue to find ways to do that so my kids know I am there for them.

So I finish, asking the reader to know this writing is for me, and if there are any takeaways you find, then I am happy to oblige. I think family is such an important part of our lives and the essence of true relationships is to understand and believe and have confidence in the manner of love that exists in our lives. Embrace it, don’t run.

Watching Sunsets

I sat on my deck the other evening and watched the sunset below the apex of buildings and distant trees outside my village. I live in a residential neighborhood of apartments secluded but on top of one another. I haven’t the advantage of the sun setting below a line of trees on the horizon, yet I can still watch the sky turn to a lovely crimson on a summer night. It is here when my most intimate thoughts come to mind.

I fell in love with a woman over a year ago whom I had known for decades. We crossed paths again at what seemed an ideal time in both of our lives. I had just left a marriage that had been unraveling for years and she had been single for some time, content in her independence but wondering about the possibility of a relationship, more likely as I write this today searching for companionship. If I could know today what I know now we might still be spending time together, but instead, I overwhelmed her and she decided to leave abruptly. I fell apart and still continue to try to pick up the pieces of my life left behind in the ashes. I was going through a lot around the time that things went south with the two of us and no matter what I tried it was a losing battle.

Today, I sit on a ledge looking at the natural evolution of our lives in the simple meaning of a sun descending along the horizon. I often wish I might share this moment with my friend even if it means in our separate worlds miles away from one another. I hold out a hope that is meaningless without knowing her state of mind. I only wish and put the puzzle pieces together on my own, and I’m sure they don’t really match up that well.

There is something about love that I’ve never really understood. We talk often about that unconditional aspect of affection. I have that with my children and select friends, but what about a companion. Why would we develop time together if there wasn’t a spiritual basis to our affections? I once knew unconditional love in my relationship with my ex-wife and I suppose there still is some of that hanging around, but truly it is different in that our relationship has completely changed. With my most recent relationship, I am clear of the attachment being real and not a passing moment. Unfortunately I cannot convince her of the same. So my days are spent watching sunsets and dreaming of moments.

The energy from the sun is truly magical, and if we appreciate it in the special manner it presents itself we might rest more easily knowing we can never truly be alone.

© aquietwalk